So, guys and gals, sorry we’ve been MIA for so long. Life has just been kinda nutty here. Hopefully things are slowly returning to normal though. I’ll explain a little bit about what’s been going on that’s kept us quiet and then we’ll just see where it goes from there.
To say the least, the past few weeks have been absolutely tumultuous for me, and as a result also for Beau and for us in general. I honestly don’t remember how much I’ve shared on here about my past, and I don’t really have time to check right now. I’m typing this as Beau is in one of his classes. We’ll just suffice it to say that as a child, my dad was really abusive in a lot of ways. My mother then passed away when I was 17. Being a kid was no walk in the park, and frankly, I was happy to have survived it. Most of the time, I feel as though I handle those things well. However, there are times where I feel like I’m really struggling to keep my head above water. The past few weeks have been like that. I’ve been depressed, anxious, having panic attacks one after another. I can honestly say that this has probably been the lowest I’ve gotten other than the months immediately following my mom’s death.
I’ve been on some mild medications to help me cope before, but came off of them shortly before I moved to Michigan. In hindsight, that’s probably not the best decision I’ve ever made and I should have listened when my doctor back in Alabama wasn’t thrilled with that idea. But, as many of you know and Beau can attest to, I’m stubborn. When I’ve made up my mind about something there’s not much anyone can do to change it. And I was convinced that I was better and ready to come off the meds. Who knows, maybe I was. But I wasn’t ready to come off the meds and have basically every stable thing in my life change. My life changed dramatically and completely when I moved. I knew it would be a big change, but I could never have imagined it would be as big as it was. I’m not saying for a moment that I regret it though. I still think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. But I digress. I was honestly fine up until about 2 months ago. Then the symptoms all started up again. Slowly at first. I was snappy and moody and tearful. They were fairly infrequent though, so I chalked it all up to just having a few bad days. Well, bad days turned into bad weeks, and suddenly there were precious few good days.
Over the course of those couple of months, Beau suggested on more than one occasion that maybe I should consider a trip to the doctor and getting back on the medication. I was still convinced however, that I could do just fine with out the medicine and would become irate (which isn’t really like me) whenever he made the suggestion. Before anyone goes criticizing hom or saying he should have pushed harder and made me go sooner. Maybe he should have, I don’t know. But I don’t think that would have fixed the problem. Until I was ready to see the issue for what it was and deal with, he could have spanked me every day and it would have done no good. When someone is in a depression or whatever you want to call what I’ve been in, they really do have to look within themselves and find the strength to get through it. I realize I’m totally biased, but I feel like Beau did the best thing he could be. He stood beside me, held me when I was upset, talked me through countless panic attacks, and waited until I was ready to do something. He reassured me that WE would get through this. I never had to doubt his place in my life or how he felt about me. And I knew that the circumstances, difficult as they were and still are, did not change the way he felt about me in the least. He has been exactly what I needed through this very difficult time. I know I didn’t always act like that or give him the credit he deserves, so I guess I just wanted to be very certain that he knew it.
So, anyway. I keep going off on different tangents. It’s just been too long since I wrote and now I feel like I have to get it all out at once. Sorry if this is scattered. It’s definitely not my best work. Back to the story. I went to the doctor today and she wrote me a prescription for my antidepressants. YAY! I feel better just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. She mentioned that she knew some good counselors if I ever needed one or felt like that might help. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I’ve been through counseling before, years ago. And I don’t know how much good it will do to drag up all those old issues again. I remember how painful and gut-wrenching that was and I’m not sure if I want to go through it again. But on the other hand, I wonder if it would be beneficial to go through counseling with an adult perspective on things. Without a doubt, there are some issues that I didn’t have to deal with as a teenager. I guess things just really affect you differently as an adult. She wants to see me again in about a month so that she can see if the medication is starting to work and to just do an overall physical. They have a weight loss program and I’mm thinking of talking to her about that as well. So, depending on what I decide and how I’m doing, I may be talking to her about the possibility of a counselor too. All that remains to be seen.
Now, one final topic and I’ll close. The blog obviously is about our DD journey. Beau and I have talked for a while about while that is the main purpose and the reason why the blog was created in the first place, it isn’t all there is to us. And the last thing I want anyone to think is that all we do is DD. It really isn’t. There’s so much more to our dynamic. DD is but a small part of that. All that being said though, DD has most definitely taken a back seat the past couple of months. I think on some level it had to. For a while there, I was seriously not emotionally equipped to deal with all of that. And thankfully, Beau knew that and didn’t push the issue. ANd I will freely admit, there were probably times when he would have loved nothing more than to pull out that darned wooden spoon or paddle! I couldn’t have really blamed him. I have not been very pleasant lately.
But anyway, he started back reminders last week. He’s taking the stance of really re-establishing his role and the fact that he’s the one in charge, not me. If you’ve read the blog for any length of time, you know that I have some issues with control. It seems I try to take it back every chance I get. Well, let me tell you, he most certainly proved to me last week that he was the one in control of this stuff. On Thursday, I got my reminder, and he really pushed my limits. I absolutely got to the point of near panic and honestly thinking I could not take any more. I think it was good for us though. I was forced to trust him. There was nothing I could do to stop what was happening. I was terrified of him going to far but I just had to work through it. I hope this makes sense and I’m so sorry if it doesn’t. But I had to get to a point of surrender. Once it was all over, it was this huge relief. He had gone past what I thought I could handle. And I survived. He didn’t go too far, he took me just far enough to get me to that point of willing submission. It was a very nice feeling.
It lasted all of a day…lol. On Friday, I had some friends coming in to stay with me for the weekend. BTW, you know who you are, I had a GREAT time and cannot wait to see you guys again. Did I mention these were some fellow DD friends? It was great having them because Beau and I could totally be ourselves and didn’t have to try to be subtle about anything or hide the fact that he’s leader. But as many of you probably guess (and most of you ladies can understand), I was a mess before they got in. I was cleaning and organizing like a madwoman. And I temporarily turned into a snapping turtle. Well, it was quickly remedied by me being bent over the arm of the sofa feeling the wrath of Beau’s implements. Odd as it may sound, it felt good to be regaining a sense of normalcy and equilibrium. We’ve got a date planned for tomorrow-just hanging out at my house, so we’ll see if there’s more to blog about then. I can think of a couple more topics, but I think they’ll be much better on their own.
Hope you all are having a blessed week! As always, looking forward to the comments!