Lovingbeau's Blog

Journey of a new DD couple

Good Morning everybody! March 10, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — lovingbeau @ 11:36 am

Ok so here I am again. I went back and read what Mya wrote and what I wrote after and decided to post some more about my thoughts and feelings about the last few months. Like I said last night, it really was not as terrible as Mya remembered it. I do remember around Christmas that it was the first I really noticed any major things going on. I figured it was just the time of year. As I think she has shared Christmas time is a difficult period for her. I figured that was all it was. But it went beyond Christmas and just didn’t seem to get better which is when I really did start to get concerned. I remember her going from nervous to crying and then seemingly being ok all in a matter of 30 to 60 minutes. I tried to do what I thought needed to be done at any given moment. I think a big mistake I maybe made was not stepping up and being more dominant. Taking some things off her plate. But as we have often said to each other and on here this is a journey and it is still reasonably new to the two of us. There is a huge difference between believing something on your own and putting it into practice with somebody else. I think I worry about making sure I am doing what I should be or that I am on some sort power trip. I don’t want to be too far one way or the other.

About a week or so ago Mya and I talked and I realized she was not getting what she needed. I made the general suggestion that she could remind me and a little bit to my surprise she got upset with me and basically told me that if I was who I claimed to be that I didn’t need to be reminded and she was not going to do that. To say that stung just a little bit would probably be an understatement but I am so very happy that she did that. Because after we said good night I had a “come to Jesus” talk with myself. When I told Mya about this the next day she said she really wished she could have been a fly on the wall to watch it. I’m not sure it would have been the same if I had known somebody was watching. The basic thing that came out of my experience that night was that I had to take some responsibility for the tailspin Mya went into. I think if I had been more firm with her I may have been able to prevent some of it. Not saying absolutely because I think there was some medical issues there that definitely needed to be addressed. But I think if I had been a firm and steady guiding hand more often I could have caught some of the slips before they became falls. I won’t lie I still struggle with not wanting to be too firm. But what I think I have realized is that firmness mixed with love is ok. So that is my goal everyday now to be firm but loving. I told Mya this morning that we need to be in communication regularly and that when I ask how I’m doing it is not that I am asking to be reminded. Its my way of making sure I am fulfilling my goals. Have an awesome day everybody and as always any questions or comments are greatly appreciated.

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Beau likes normal

Filed under: Uncategorized — lovingbeau @ 12:32 am

Before I get into the meat of my post I want to make sure that everybody realizes that I didn’t think the last two months were as terrible as Mya did but of course she was feeling her feelings first hand. I was just seeing the results. I also think that when you are in the moment its very easy to just get an adrenaline rush and go into “Just Do It” mode where you are handling whatever the “it” is and not realizing how bad it really is. I think I was also looking at it from a concern standpoint not that it was disrupting our lives or anything. I just didn’t get it. She had been fine and then all of a sudden KABOOM she was not fine anymore.

This is going to be a really short post because she basically told you everything and its 12:30 in the morning and I am a tired person. But I wanted to say that I think this situation has taught both Mya and myself a very important lesson. That is that we are stronger then our circumstances and that WE can get through anything as long as we stick together.

 

Regaining Normalcy *Mya* March 9, 2011

Filed under: domestic discipline,relationships — lovingbeau @ 7:43 pm

So, guys and gals, sorry we’ve been MIA for so long. Life has just been kinda nutty here. Hopefully things are slowly returning to normal though. I’ll explain a little bit about what’s been going on that’s kept us quiet and then we’ll just see where it goes from there.

To say the least, the past few weeks have been absolutely tumultuous for me, and as a result also for Beau and for us in general. I honestly don’t remember how much I’ve shared on here about my past, and I don’t really have time to check right now. I’m typing this as Beau is in one of his classes. We’ll just suffice it to say that as a child, my dad was really abusive in a lot of ways. My mother then passed away when I was 17. Being a kid was no walk in the park, and frankly, I was happy to have survived it. Most of the time, I feel as though I handle those things well. However, there are times where I feel like I’m really struggling to keep my head above water. The past few weeks have been like that. I’ve been depressed, anxious, having panic attacks one after another. I can honestly say that this has probably been the lowest I’ve gotten other than the months immediately following my mom’s death.

I’ve been on some mild medications to help me cope before, but came off of them shortly before I moved to Michigan. In hindsight, that’s probably not the best decision I’ve ever made and I should have listened when my doctor back in Alabama wasn’t thrilled with that idea. But, as many of you know and Beau can attest to, I’m stubborn. When I’ve made up my mind about something there’s not much anyone can do to change it. And I was convinced that I was better and ready to come off the meds. Who knows, maybe I was. But I wasn’t ready to come off the meds and have basically every stable thing in my life change. My life changed dramatically and completely when I moved. I knew it would be a big change, but I could never have imagined it would be as big as it was. I’m not saying for a moment that I regret it though. I still think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. But I digress. I was honestly fine up until about 2 months ago. Then the symptoms all started up again. Slowly at first. I was snappy and moody and tearful. They were fairly infrequent though, so I chalked it all up to just having a few bad days. Well, bad days turned into bad weeks, and suddenly there were precious few good days.

Over the course of those couple of months, Beau suggested on more than one occasion that maybe I should consider a trip to the doctor and getting back on the medication. I was still convinced however, that I could do just fine with out the medicine and would become irate (which isn’t really like me) whenever he made the suggestion. Before anyone goes criticizing hom or saying he should have pushed harder and made me go sooner. Maybe he should have, I don’t know. But I don’t think that would have fixed the problem. Until I was ready to see the issue for what it was and deal with, he could have spanked me every day and it would have done no good. When someone is in a depression or whatever you want to call what I’ve been in, they really do have to look within themselves and find the strength to get through it. I realize I’m totally biased,  but I feel like Beau did the best thing he could be. He stood beside me, held me when I was upset, talked me through countless panic attacks, and waited until I was ready to do something. He reassured me that WE would get through this. I never had to doubt his place in my life  or how he felt about me. And I knew that the circumstances, difficult as they were and still are, did not change the way he felt about me in the least. He has been exactly what I needed through this very difficult time. I know I didn’t always act like that or give him the credit he deserves, so I guess I just wanted to be very certain that he knew it.

So, anyway. I keep going off on different tangents. It’s just been too long since I wrote and  now I feel like I have to get it all out at once. Sorry if this is scattered. It’s definitely not my best work. 🙂 Back to the story. I went to the doctor today and she wrote me a prescription for my antidepressants. YAY! I feel better just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. She mentioned that she knew some good counselors if I ever needed one or felt like that might help. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I’ve been through counseling before, years ago. And I don’t know how much good it will do to drag up all those old issues again. I remember how painful and gut-wrenching that was and I’m not sure if I want to go through it again. But on the other hand, I wonder if it would be beneficial to go through counseling with an adult perspective on things. Without a doubt, there are some issues that I didn’t have to deal with as a teenager. I guess things just really affect you differently as an adult. She wants to see me again in about a month so that she can see if the medication is starting to work and to just do an overall physical. They have a weight loss program and I’mm thinking of talking to her about that as well. So, depending on what I decide and how I’m doing, I may be talking to her about the possibility of a counselor too. All  that remains to be seen.

Now, one final topic and I’ll close. The blog obviously is about our DD journey. Beau and I have talked for a while about while that is the main purpose and the reason why the blog was created in the first place, it isn’t all there is to us. And the last thing I want anyone to think is that all we do is DD. It really isn’t. There’s so much more to our dynamic. DD is but a small part of that. All that being said though, DD has most definitely taken a back seat the past couple of months. I think on some level it had to. For a while there, I was seriously not emotionally equipped to deal with all of that. And thankfully, Beau knew that and didn’t push the issue. ANd I will freely admit, there were probably times when he would have loved nothing more than to pull out that darned wooden spoon or paddle! I couldn’t have really blamed him. I have not been very pleasant lately.

But anyway, he started back reminders last week. He’s taking the stance of really re-establishing his role and the fact that he’s the one in charge, not me. If you’ve read the blog for any length of time, you know that I have some issues with control. It seems I try to take it back every chance I get. Well, let me tell you, he most certainly proved to me last week that he was the one in control of this stuff. On Thursday, I got my reminder, and he really pushed my limits. I absolutely got to the point of near panic and honestly thinking I could not take any more. I think it was good for us though. I was forced to trust him. There was nothing I could do to stop what was happening. I was terrified of him going to far but I just had to work through it. I hope this makes sense and I’m so sorry if it doesn’t. But I had to get to a point of surrender. Once it was all over, it was this huge relief. He had gone past what I thought I could handle. And I survived. He didn’t go too far, he took me just far enough to get me to that point of willing submission. It was a very nice feeling.

It lasted all of a day…lol. On Friday, I had some friends coming in to stay with me for the weekend. BTW, you know who you are, I had a GREAT time and cannot wait to see you guys again. Did I mention these were some fellow DD friends? It was great having them because Beau and I could totally be ourselves and didn’t have to try to be subtle about anything or hide the fact that he’s leader. But as many of you probably guess (and most of you ladies can understand), I was a mess before they got in. I was cleaning and organizing like a madwoman. And I temporarily turned into a snapping turtle. Well, it was quickly remedied by me being bent over the arm of the sofa feeling the wrath of Beau’s implements. Odd as it may sound, it felt good to be regaining a sense of normalcy and equilibrium. We’ve got a date planned for tomorrow-just hanging out at my house, so we’ll see if there’s more to blog about then. I can think of a couple more topics, but I think they’ll be much better on their own.

Hope you all are having a blessed week! As always, looking forward to the comments!

 

What to do??? February 7, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — lovingbeau @ 10:40 am

Well after reading Mya’s entry I have to say it confirms for me things I was pretty sure about last night. I’m not angry. Honestly, when the spanking was over I asked Mya if it was enough and she said no. I think I did hold back because of the “incident” I just texted Mya that we need a redo and we are discussing it. Which leads me to another issue: I think I still struggle with feeling like a dictator. Well no thinking about it. I know I do. I know I am the dom and she is the sub. I’m not confused about all that, but I do not want to become a neanderthal man who can’t handle any issue without spanking her. I think a submissive woman is in some ways like a kid and a dominant man like a parent. Before you unsubscribe from reading our blog because of that comment please let me explain. For the parents among our readers do you spank your child (for those who use that) every time they misbehave? Or here’s a better analogy. Do you ground your kid for everything? No you don’t. Why? because if you did you would have to spend every waking hour with them from whatever age they are now until age 18 when they run screaming from your home and need therapy. The same thing holds true for our subs. I think this is one area where Mya and I struggle. Well there’s two inter-related problems. One is how to handle a misbehavior in public which for now includes when we are at my house, and the other is how to handle things that maybe just don’t rise to the level of needing a spanking. We tried to handle the first problem by buying a cane that we thought would be small enough to fit into her purse. Unfortunately, it don’t. So that plan is a washout. Even if it had worked it would not have helped with problem two. Sometimes Mya is just a little out of sorts. She doesn’t need to be spanked or at least I don’t think she does. But something needs to happen. We discussed and explored the idea of using soap in her mouth. We have shelved it for now because she seriously is scared of it and I don’t like that. Even if she wasn’t scared of it there is something symbolic in that, it says that Mya said something improper. Sometimes the issue isn’t about something verbal. Sometimes its about unspoken attitude. So I don’t know what to do. I hate feeling like I come to this blog always seeking help but there are people on here that have been doing this longer than I have so sometimes I need to lean on you guys and I hope that isn’t a problem.

 

A Disconnect *Mya*

Filed under: domestic discipline,relationships — lovingbeau @ 1:01 am

I have to say that this has been an odd week to say the least. It’s been insanely busy between work and all that Beau and I have had to get done. And honestly, overall, it’s been a really good week. Today we had planned to just hang out at my house after church, which we did. Even though we had been together most of the week, I was looking forward to today and the slower pace and some time to just really reconnect. Unfortunately, things didn’t go entirely as planned. I’m going to add a little disclaimer before I go any further. Beau, I am not upset with you. We had a bad day, that’s it and I’m sure tomorrow will be better. There, now that I’ve said that, let me attempt to explain.

Basically what happened before the spanking was just as Beau described. Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me. Maybe I should have been able to just let it go. But it did and I couldn’t. It really upset me. I KNOW that this isn’t the case at all, but at that moment I felt like he thought that the cell phone and the stupid basketball game was more important that me and our conversation. You can call me needy and insecure if you want, but I think these types of things happen to women everywhere. There are times when we just need to feel like we are in the center of our man’s world. And this was one of those times for me. So for this to happen today was absolutely horrid timing.

We waited a few minutes before getting on with the reminder because I was hurt and frustrated. I needed a few minutes and thankfully, Beau knew that. He gave me some time. And I thought I was fine to go ahead with it. But let me tell you, as soon as the first swat landed, I was mad. I don’t know that I even realized that at the time though. I think I knew it on some level but was unwilling to admit it or do anything about it. I gritted my teeth through the whole thing and tried to stay as quiet as possible.  As has become his norm, he sent me to the corner in the middle. I’m not sure if he caught it but I shot him a death glare. I think he saw it. That was definitely my intention at the time although even now I’m not sure what purpose it would have served. When he told me to get back over the ottoman, I was so close to telling him no. I’ve never been outright defiant with him like that, but I seriously considered it today.

After the spanking was over, I was initially just fine. But before long, I started getting in one of those weird moods. We’ve noticed that I tend to get in those sometimes after a spanking, especially if it wasn’t enough. I think this one was enough for a reminder though. I’m pretty much fine but for a few hours it was definitely noticeable to me physically that I had gotten a spanking. I also think, and granted I could be wrong, that Beau was going a little easier on me at times because he knew I had been upset beforehand. Some of the swats were gentler and I felt like he was softening up on me and others I felt like he knew I was fighting and was trying to break through that wall.

Right now as I write this, I feel bad for him. I cannot imagine how confused he must have been. He may or may not have had any idea, but I was fighting within myself the entire time. Usually, I gladly give over control to him. As my last post said, I love it. But today, for whatever reason, I was fighting tooth and nail to take that control back. I think in some ways I was really frustrated that I couldn’t get it back even though deep down I didn’t want it. Beau, I definitely would not want to have your job and make all these decisions.

So anyway, afterwards, like I said, I was in a crummy mood. I managed to keep myself out of trouble. Let me tell you, that was a miracle in itself tonight. But again, poor Beau I think was worried sick. It was a big enough issue that he turned the Super Bowl off and he loves football, well sports in general, nearly as much as he loves me. I guess I could ramble some more and I likely will later on in the week, but right now, it’s late and I’m tired so I’m heading onto bed soon. Good night guys and gals!

 

This week’s edition February 6, 2011

Filed under: domestic discipline,punishments — lovingbeau @ 5:55 pm

The subject of this blog entry serves a purpose. Today Mya and I got together and one of the things I brought up before her reminder session was that it seems we only blog in here after a spanking and how our readers are quite possibly getting the impression that it is all we do. As many people who do the dd relationship know spanking is merely one aspect of the relationship. I told Mya that we need to get more regular about posting here. I don’t want to make a rule about this because its something we are both supposed to be doing together and well I just don’t know how Mya would ever punish me (take away my ability to spank her for some period of time LOL) that just doesn’t seem practical? I joke about this but it brings up another thing that happened today that I kind of feel bad about. Mya and I were thinking that there was something else we had said we would discuss today and neither one of us could remember it. I said maybe she had sent me a text and since I only delete my texts from her about once every 3 or 4 days maybe it would be in there. Well dumb old me grabbed my phone and dang if I didn’t have a new text. I don’t know why I even opened it. We were in the middle of a serious discussion and here I am opening up a text message and whats worse it was a sports score. As soon as I mentioned what it said Mya was instantly and understandably frustrated with me. I have made a new rule that when we are having serious talks or things going on the phone goes off completely. I feel better about that. So anyway after we talked Mya got her reminder spanking. I did not pull her pants down for the second set this time and initially she was saying afterwords that she didn’t think it had been the same as the last one. But later when she got up to go get ready to get dinner she said maybe she had been wrong about that so stay tuned for her blog later to see what the verdict is.  So all in all a good day so far even with my little blunder. Sorry honey 😦 Tonight we’ll eat, spend time together and watch the Steelers whoop the Packers.

 

Thoughts, Feelings and Responses January 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — lovingbeau @ 12:56 pm

In reading through the comments to my latest entry I have decided I want to respond to them and give some insight into my mindset about stuff. First, I think the clock being there showed me too how little I had been using implements before. It seemed like I was doing it a long time but in reality it was not which I think is why Mya was left with not being “satisfied” I don’t usually like that term but I think in this instance it works. The other part I liked was that by pulling her pants down for the second time through I was able to see the effect it was having and I could tell much easier when it was time to stop. I can also say that crying is NOT a good indicator of anything. I truly felt Mya was feeling remorse inside but yet she wasn’t crying at all. I think too often crying reflects physical pain over emotional pain. Not saying that crying can’t indicate emotional pain I think it can and does. But in the context of a spanking I don’t think it does. If that don’t make sense somebody please tell me so. So that is why even though she wasn’t crying I know she got it. That and the fact she’s asked me for a butt rub at least three times LOL. One last thing and then I need to sign off and jet somewhere. I find that I have to get my demeanor during a spanking to be much more stern and serious then is normal for me. If I didn’t I would not be able to do the spanking. That is why when its over I sort of have this release and total demeanor change. I sometimes feel like Jekyll and Hyde. Hope I’m not but thats how it feels to me. As always want to hear/read your thoughts but gotta jet. Seeya!